I hope you all have been waiting on the edge of your seats for part two. :)
Where I left off I had come to the realization that I was not allowing the Lord to give me something, something very important.
A few days later after the pillow and blanket experience I was sitting in the prayer room. I was talking with the Lord about a few things but I kept having waves of condemnation wash over me. I was struggling through it, trying to figure out why I was feeling that way and finally I told Jesus how I really felt.
It’s like this. I’ve been told all my life that I have been given Jesus’ righteousness (that I’ve been clothed in it). But to me it felt like I was walking around with this blanket called righteousness draped across my back, all the while knowing exactly how sinful I was underneath. I had been living in fear that some day Jesus was going to walk up, tear the blanket off, and say “HA! I knew you weren’t really righteous underneath!”. It’s that fear that kept me clutching perfectionism and anxiety even though I theoretically “knew” I was saved.
As I sat there in the prayer room the Holy Spirit, in His kindness, revealed what I was not accepting.
I was not accepting Jesus’ true righteousness, I was living like I had to prove my own. I was keeping His perfect gift, one He purchased on the cross, at arms length out of my stupid pride that didn’t want to look weak.
As I was processing all this with God I needed to leave for school so I got in the car. As I got on the highway it dawned on me that I needed to get saved. Like, for real. There’s more than one aspect to being saved and the part about knowing your a sinner I’ve had down for a long time. But the second part, the part where you accept Jesus’ free gift of righteousness, was not something I had been living. So I figured, no better time to get saved than the present, and I prayed. I thanked Jesus for His righteousness and told Him that I accepted it and applied it to my life, 100%.
Suddenly a phrase popped into my mind– “behold you are fair my love, there is no spot in you.” (You’ll find this verse in Song of Solomon 4:7, often read as Jesus speaking to the church).
I started laughing, flying down the highway, because I finally realized what being given Jesus’ righteousness meant. It means that you are spotless. Not one little speck or flaw. 100%, through and through, on the surface and underneath – righteous. Joy filled my heart and I sang and praised the Lord all the way into the school. The whole day I walked around amazed, saying over and over again, “there’s no spot in me. There’s NO spot in me!”
This is the good news of the gospel. When we are saved our spirit’s are made as holy as the Holy Spirit who comes to dwell inside us. We are given the very righteousness of Christ and our behavior doesn’t get to dictate the terms of our relationship with God. We have been justified by faith and have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (Rom. 5:1). Our love and acceptance, our righteousness before God, is a gift.
So that’s it. That’s how I got saved last year. And it’s how I get saved every morning. I need the gospel to be new to me everyday. I need to be reminded over and over again that there is no spot in me. I don’t have to relate to God in fear of judgement or under shame of what happened yesterday. But it requires that I let go of my pride and actually receive it. I have to stop trying to look strong and be okay with looking weak, with needing Him.